Worst Lyrics Ever

Is it just me or are pop lyrics getting progressively dumber and weirder? I just started hearing Mariah Carrey’s new single on the radio (Touch My Body), and I still can’t believe how retarded the chorus is:

“If there’s a camera up in here
Then I’d best not catch this flick
On YouTube (YouTube)
‘Cause if you run your mouth and brag
About this secret rendezvous
I will hunt you down
‘Cause baby I’m up in my bidness
Like a Wendy interview
But this is private
Between you and I”

Okay… I can dig the Youtube reference, a blatant appeal to the net generation. But singing about getting interviewed at a fast food joint? Thats just sad. Perhaps Mariah’s recent brush with obscurity has opened her eyes to the plights of the working class… or perhaps these are just the dumbest lyrics ever. I’m also slightly creeped out by the thought of Mariah Carey hunting me down like some deranged stalker. Maybe there really is a sex-tape of her out there and this is her public warning to keep it on the low… or else.

Heres another gem from Panic! At the Disco:

” Oh, well imagine; as I’m pacing the pews in a church corridor,
And I can’t help but to hear, no I can’t help but to hear an exchanging of words:
“What a beautiful wedding, what a beautiful wedding!” says the bridesmaid to a waiter.
‘Yes, but what a shame, what a shame, the poor groom’s bride is a whore.”

I chime in with a “Haven’t you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?!”
No, it’s much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.
I’d chime in “Haven’t you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?!”
No, it’s much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.

Well in fact well I’ll look at it this way, I mean technically our marriage is saved! Well this calls for a toast, so pour the champagne!
Oh! Well in fact well I’ll look at it this way, I mean technically our marriage is saved! Well this calls for a toast, so pour the champagne, pour the champagne!”

So at least this one doesn’t reference square burgers. But its so stupid and lazy it infuriates me- what is the point of this story? Whats the message? These “lyrics” consist of maybe 4 pretentiously-cynical sounding sentences repeated over and over. None of the words rhyme or work together lyrically in any way, let alone combine to form a compelling narrative. Why should I imagine this stupid wedding? And in what way is the marriage saved? Perhaps this song is simply an exercise to prove that if you have a catchy enough melody and look really emo you can have a hit song, regardless of the drivel you’re actually singing about.

Here’s one more from Usher:

“Lookin’ in your eyes while you on the other side
And I think miss shorty I’ve got a thing for you
Doin’ it on purpose Windin and workin’ it
I can tell by the way you lookin’ at me girl

(chorus)
I wanna make love in this club ‘ey (in this club ‘ey in this club ‘ey)
I wanna make love in this club ‘ey (in this club ‘ey in this club ‘ey)”

I’ll keep this one short- stop singing about “The Club”, “Shorty”, and various pseudonyms for girls shaking their asses!!! Didn’t “In the Club” come out like 10 years ago? Please, someone, add something new to hip-hop, this shit is really killing it.